The Nurturer of the People:
Bug Eyes and Bellybuttons

Ladies, don’t wear big sunglasses. As a man, and as a person who can see I can tell you flat out that they don’t look good, on anyone. Don’t think that you are somehow the lone person who can wear sunglasses that would look big on a horse and still look fashionable. You don’t. You never will. Don’t succumb to this awful trend that will be probably be over before I finish typing this public service announcement.

What are women thinking? Can you not see one another? You know you’ve seen someone wearing these clown shades and made sarcastic comments like “why didn’t she buy the big ones?” and “I think that woman is wearing my windshield.” So why do you then turn around and buy the same damn thing. If Angelina Jolie looks awful in something, what chance do you really think you have of pulling it off?

While we’re on women’s fashion, what happened to middrifts? Britney Spears is out of the spotlight for 10 seconds and all of a sudden everyone is covering up? This should not be. There is nothing sexier than a woman showing a little tummy (of course, that can also be one of the sickest things you can see depending on the woman.) When Christina Aguilera is on a television show and she’s wearing a pant suit, you know something is wrong with today’s trends. This blame falls squarely on young celebrities like Lindsay Lohan, Hillary Duff, and the Olsen Twins who have decided that a low cut sweater is more of a turn on than a navel exposing baby tee and low-rise jeans. As with almost every other decision they’ve made in their lives, they’re wrong about this.

So please ladies, take some time and think before dress and walk out the door. Pierce your bellybutton, show your six-pack (or whatever pack) to the world, and leave those ridiculous sunglasses at Area 51 where they belong.