The Nurturer of the People:
Drunken Ramblings

I think I've finally figured out why Jesus turned water into wine… it was a Sunday and all the liquor stores were closed. Wish I had that power. It's Sunday, and my house is desperately low on booze. Not that I can't sit around on a weekend afternoon and not drink, it's just that it's so nice outside and when the some comes out for the first time during the summer, and you've got nothing to do, nothing sounds better than to grab a brew and sit outside and enjoy the weather. There's nothing wrong with that… I mean, look in the bible, that's what Jesus and his 12 pals did. Sure, they healed people and preached and all that good stuff too, but they weren't against having a few cold ones on a beautiful Israele day.

Speaking of enjoying life and stuff, I was thinking the other day that being depressed, sad, jealous and/or angry is the natural human condition, and happiness is just a chemical imbalance. Need proof? Just look at your face. When in a neutral state, the human face looks upset. It takes a lot of extra effort to smile. And think about this, who walks around smiling all the time? Nobody does, because people who do that are crazy. You'd be scared of someone who had a smile on their face all the time. Think about it, who comes to mind when you think of perma-grins… The Joker and people in special ed classes. Nothing against either of him or them, but they don't really classify as the normal human condition. So that makes you wonder, why is this? Well, figuring out why isn't up to me, I'm just planting the seed, you grow the freakin' garden.

There is a damn spider in my house that keeps biting me at night. If I find it, I'm going to put it in a jar and each night rip one of it's legs off. Then we'll see who's laughing. Do spiders laugh? I think Charlotte did, but it's been awhile sine I read the book.

I hate the scratch and dent section of stores. Why are these places advertiseing the fact that they can't keep from banging up their own merchandise. I mean, if you bang the shit out of so much stuff that you have to open an entire wing of your store to sell it in, maybe you need to hire new delivery people. Isn't this concept a little strange too? The store is telling you, we fucked this stuff up, so take it at a lower cost. Isn't that kind of like a buffet having an extra cart filled with food that has fallen on the floor. I can just imagine a little Chinese man at the door telling me, "You go eat dat food dere. It faw on froor, but we no charge you fuw price." Nice

I think I figured out why animals don't make noise when they fart. They don't have butt cheeks.

Is it just me, or have people run out of things to post on MySpace. I don't think there are any funny pictures, comments or words of wisdom left. We've used them all. Well, maybe there are, but nobody's leaving them on my page. All I get are fake women in bikinis offering to be my friend and messages to start finding out who's visiting my page. Why do I want to pay $10 bucks to find out what I already know… nobody visits my page.

If you don't think the Sopranos is the best show on TV, I will punch you right in the face. Unless you're a girl, then it might just be a kidney shot.

Why is it so hard to get people to go to a baseball game in this town. I've been asking now for three years, and I can never get anyone to go see the damn Indians with me. Wait a minute, maybe it's not the team, maybe it's me. Maybe it's the foam finger I insist on wearing to the games. Or the fact I hate wearing underwear in the summer. Nah, can't be.

But that brings me to my big question… what do people do on summer days over the weekend? I'm always completely lost. If I don't have errands to run, or work to do, I can't think of anything to do. What do you people do? I can't get you to do anything, so you must be doing something? What is it? What's the secret? And don't tell me "the secret" is to think positively, I tried that once and I'm positive it didn't work. So let me know. Or don't. I'll just be here trying to lick the inside of my Crown Royal bottle.