Posted 12/09/05

Sports Suck

Venus Williams testified that her father played a role in getting endorsement deals for her when she was up and coming. However, he could not commit her to a proposed, “Battle of the Sexes” match in which she would play against men. He said that he couldn’t let the men play an unfair match against a gorilla.

Gary Barnett, coach of the Colorado football program, stepped down reluctantly after a tenure that was full of off the field problems involving sex scandals and illegally bringing in money. Afterwards, he was immediately hired by the Minnesota Vikings.

Jerry West has silenced his critics by giving the Memphis Grizzlies their best start ever. He’s considered a genius of the game, but he’s also considered to be a hard person to get along with. I guess if you’re going to be a bare, be a grizzly bear.

Mario Lemieux was released from a hospital after being diagnosed with an irregular heartbeat. They said the ailment wouldn’t affect his career. The things that will affect his career are that he’s 93 years old and he plays in a sport with a smaller following than Pontius Pilot.

I’m sick of teams having terrible names. Team names should strike fear into the hearts of millions. Here’s my top five names of intimidating names teams should use. I’ve also included slogans.
5. Tampa Bay Taxes-You’re gonna pay.
4. Atlanta Aids-Catch it!
3. Raleigh Road Construction-Prepare to get all jammed up.
2. Birmingham Blisters-Get ready to get popped.
2. Frankfort Fudgepackers-Your ass is mine.
1. Des Moines Drunk Drivers-You’ll never see us coming.